Monday, November 4, 2013

On past bad experiences (part 1 of possibly more)

I haven't had a lot of experience in D/s or BDSM (or love in general), but one of my first experiences was just... Fucking terrible. It set a metric for what I do not want in a relationship, and set up a lot of red-flags for me that, hopefully, will make it easier for me to steer clear of this kind of clusterfuck in the future.

First of all, this happened online. For all of those who don't believe that online things can have real emotional weight, and damage, attributed to them I will say a hearty "fuck off and die in a fire". In all seriousness.

The Domme in question was called Jess, and, at the beginning, it felt like a good match. We seemed compatible on several kinks, and the interactions I had with her seemed to be going good. One evening, in fact, she randomly gave me a small task which struck right at the heart and made me feel deliciously submissive and sexy, and I loved it. I wanted more from her.

This also hit at a kind of bad time for me, where I was feeling hellaciously down, depressed, and lonely. I was out of a job, money was tight, and I felt like I was never going to find anything good in my life. The evening where Jess and I made a thing of it was in the middle of a terrible patch, where I was (in fact) crying for being so lonely and watching others be together on the chat we were on. So, not the best of starts admittedly.

Jess had two other "subs" from the same place, Donna and Jade. After a week or so, it began to feel to me as if she gave more attention to those two than to me. For one, she was more openly affectionate with them in public chat, and she gave them more tasks in general than to me. In fact, unless I specifically brought it up and pressed for it, I wouldn't get a damn thing from her.

About a month into it, I decided to confront Jess about it. I said it, and got in return a bunch of vapid plattitudes about "oh no that's not what's happening at all" and so on. I felt temporarily mollified.

Over the next while, I started to feel worse and worse. I would never get any attention I didn't specifically press for, or begin. I started noticing more and more that Jess wouldn't mention me or talk directly to me in open without me poking her about it. In fact, several times she was mentioning fantasies or dreams she had involving all her wonderful subs, but only mentioned Donna and Jade by name.

I began to wonder if I was just being needy, and jealous. I started to doubt myself, and to feel just horrid. "Am I being a bad sub? People keep telling me I'm making too much of it, maybe they're right?"

This went on for two more months. I finally put my foot down (after I'd spent about a month basically ignoring her, and not restricting my orgasms/touching (it was an orgasm denial type relationship)) and asked her about it directly. She finally admitted I was right.

In fact, she said I had been right about it from the first week of our relationship on. She, in her literal words, "just didn't feel the spark anymore". The bottom fell out of my stomach. I had spent three months doubting myself, my emotions and my character for nothing. When I asked why she didn't say anything, she said "I thought we could get that spark back".

I then went from being sad to being angry. Very fucking angry. To this day I am still pissed at her and how she treated me. For one thing, though she claimed to want to rekindle that spark, she quite literally and honestly took no action to make it happen. Everything we did while "together" was prompted by and decided by me, ultimately, the sub in the relationship. She had the "veto", but it hardly mattered when I was the one pushing our activities through.

She ignored me unless I was pestering her about things. And yet she wanted to rekindle the spark. To this day, I am still convinced that she thought I was too much work and therefore lost interest.

how was I too much work? Because it took more than a couple of pictures of her favourite latex model to make me weak in the knees. Because it was more effort than a couple of quick mentions of something sexy to get me to moan and writhe. She wanted something easy to make herself feel good, not a relationship or a sub that took work, effort and time to engage with. That would cut into the time she was gaming, after all.

The situation killed my sex drive for months, and made me an emotional wreck for a bit longer. It was one of the things that made me go for my first actual consult to figure out what was wrong with my brain and emotions (a low grade depression by all accounts), so that helped. And it sent up my flags so now I know what to look for and won't be distracted by assurances to the contrary.

But it still hurt, at the time and a bit now. The bitterness won't leave for a while yet, I think, and the anger is going to stay for even longer. Both because it honestly didn't seem to affect her at all. The moment we had our final conversation, she resumed her openly flirty and playful ways out in the open, me a broken and forgotten wreck of a person in her wake. I don't think it ever registered to her exactly what she did, or even if it can. She was done, the spark was gone, and Mass Effect 3 had come out.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

On Crossdressing and Feminization (part 2 of ?)

I read a recent blog post on male submission, and it made me think about some of my kinks again. Specifically, this one talks about the repeated tropes in FemDom/MaleSub that you find online. You can find Part 1 of my own personal series here.

On the topic of sissy/sissyfication; there was a time when my online handle involved the word "Sissy" in front of the Tashi. It felt like the "proper" thing to have there, considering who and what Tashi represented for me. As time went on, and I started to think it through for myself and grow in my personal exploration and grasping of my kinked nature, the label became less and less appealing to me. For one thing, appending the label to myself made it so that's *all* that people saw and reacted to, which ended a few opportunities before they could even begin. For another, the term itself was just... Distastful to me after a while. I can't pin exactly what it is about it that I found drew me off, but it just didn't feel like it captured what I wanted to feel, and express, with myself and my sexuality.

A lot of that probably has to do with how sissy/feminization is presented in general. It is difficult to find examples in story, or pictures, or video, where it is found to be something sexy. It's generally something treated with disdain, or disgust, or outright pity from the Domme. When those are the emotions being triggered, it doesn't feel sexy at all. It feels like what I enjoy, and what makes me feel sexy and desirable, is wrong and shameful.

There is also the intensely sexist attitudes prevelent in all of the media involved in it. I honestly cannot count how many times I've seen or read the retread of the following;
"I am the woman, I make all the rules because I'm better than you. So, as the powerful woman, I find you pathetic and sad therefore you will be a woman because you can't be a man. And now, I will go feel like a real woman by submitting and being fucked by a powerful man with a big cock. And you will also do it, but it's wrong and shameful for you."

The fact that the big strong powerful man often tends to be black (with a stereotypical "black name") adds an extra layer of racism on top of the problem. Tasteful!

So I'm left looking for something that is never (or, rather, *very* rarely) represented in the sexy media I consume to get off (yes I jack off get over it), which makes it hard for me to get in a good mindspace for it a lot of the time. Further, it gets hard to find someone to explore and do this kind of thing with outside of porn, since their expectations and reactions often seem to be modeled after the same kinds of media and "helpful" sites. It is frustrating on every level.